How is it possible to have a summer cold when there has been no summer?

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed and rubbish for not being calmer about the fact my life is one great big unknown at the moment, but i've decided that its not me, us, the people caught up in adjusting to the unknown outcomes and unspoken expectations that are life, that's rubbish, it's life itself. Then I wonder if its right to be viewing life as something i'm battling against to get a chance to really live. And if that isn't a contradiction i don't know what is. It's not that I'm unhappy at the moment, more that something about the attitudes and expectations I have, or have acquired from living in this modern world, means I feel unable to just float along and see where life takes me. I feel like I should be doing something, always striving to get somewhere,acheive, reach goals, make goals to reach if none are provided. I've decided its because all i've ever known in life is stages and markers to reach - finshing high school, finishing college, finshing uni - then what? get a job in my degree. and that's what's proving so tricky right now. I've applied for about 20 jobs since i graduated (directly related to my degree, and more that were less related), had three interviews and am still waiting to hear from five jobs. I *need* to hear from them, but of course i'm too scared to get in touch with any of them to see what's happening.
I'm working two part time jobs from next week, but feel like i don't have any life, the life in all its fullness kind, of my own. i'm still at home, and staying away one night a week with work, and every other weekend to visit my (wonderful) boyfriend which is becoming a routine, but it's not ideal. Neither of my jobs are permanent, or give me enough money to move out.
argh, i'm just having a big moan, a huge whingey moan. things aren't too bad really, family, work, overdraft pretty much cleared, almost driving. focus on the positive is my mantra (and eat better, ive been relying on sugar fixes too much and it doesnt do my mood or general wellbeing any good)

this post is not interesting at all, but i hope its helped me feel a bit clearer about things. So my next post can be about all the interesting things i'm doing (working with small children, typing and filing, spending a lot of time on the buses- i can make it sound sun, honest :P )

Testing posting from my mobile

...or rather I haven't. Not saying things on here has become a speciality it seems and I'm not even sure what I feel like writing about now. Not my mammoth bus journies across manchester to my summer job, or the piles of possessions that are threatening to drive me crazy just by being in my bedroom, or anything much of anything really. Life atm isn't really anything much of anything, but I always seem to be busy and have things I'm supposed to have done already. I guess that is life, non-student life. I think I'm coping ok, even though I haven't had chance to actually think about anything further ahead than tomorrow's lunch since I came home. Hopefully that's going to chill out soon though, and then I can address the 'what to do with my life' question, which seems far too big and to have been given far more importance than it needs. Can't I just ge ton with living my life and see what happens that way?
anyway, i'm going to Riga tomorrow for a week with Kat (the not-my-sister one)and I'm looking forward to it, and to coming back home again at the end, which is a really cosy satisfying way to feel.

Is it possible to blame my current lack of essay writing on a psychological avoidance of finishing my degree because as soon as its finished I will have to take responsibility for decisions about my life again? For the last three days i've blamed a nasty bout of cold/flu/virus type thing that has filled my sinuses and chest up with gunk and made me feel nauseated pretty constantly. But now that's faded to a gunky nose and cough I no longer have that excuse. So i've been playing internet flash games, staring at the wall and thinking about what I'll pack for holiday. Because I am going on holiday on sunday, my first proper grownup one-half-of-a-couple holiday. There are three kinds of grownup holiday (that is, holiday's without your parents).

one) organised group holidays that are kind of adult supervised. Youth group trips, large group camping etc. I count this as hlaf-way grown up because I used to go on these holidays as a kid and teenager doing what an exasperated, hardworking youthworker (possibly unrecognised angel) told me to, but then started gathering a group of friends who also went along as teenagers to go on our own and it felt immensely grown up. But was still essentially a few tents in a field where your dad could still come rescue you if needs be.

the others will have to wait becuae I'm going to be good (honest) and go write my last ever uni essay.

Ugh, yesterday turned to be full of blah. I had a fuzzy achey head I just couldnt shift and felt generally under the weather all day. Which was funny cos yesterday was the nicest day weatherwise for ages. Looks like its going to be good today as well. I have an essay to write (books to read - which I finally managed to get from the library yesterday) and I've already done housework and been proactive (washing on, breakfast eaten, bed made, garden tended) so I'm feeling better about today. There may even be productivity. I'm not making any promises but if I can keep the headache that's threatening at bay I should be able to make progress.

I don't know what I'll write about once I've finished my degree, it's been pretty much the total content of this journal since the begining. An adventure in the great unknown awaits.

Sorry for not being around for the last month, the angst of placement and finals was far too high. If I'd tried to write about it as well as survive it I think my brain would have exploded all over the computer screen and I'd have collapsed into a blubbering wreck (which I did every so often anyway). So now it is done, the remainder of my degree is an essay that I have very little enthusiasm for (but I never did have enthusiasm for essays, or exams, or assessments or the whole learning stuff thing anyway). I have nearly finished. It doesn't feel like such a big deal, I don't feel any different though I must be massively different than I was four years ago. It's not humanly possible to be the same through so much life.

I've been incredibly lazy the last few days. At first I told myself it was catching up on sleep from the weekend with bettyboop84 (which was wonderful, but didn't have sleep very high on the priority list). This morning though I had to admit to myself that it is simply pure laziness, and there is no excuse for still being in my pyjamas after 10am when I'm not ill (my current slightly sore throat doesn't count). Today I woke up at 5:48am, which is wrong. It would have been wrong even if I was still on placemnet and having to leave the house at 7:30am. So I went back to sleep, which actually took some effort, and then when it was properly time to get up I was all groggy and didn't. For two extra hours.

The plan today was (still is I guess) to sort out my washing (need clean clothes!), my bedroom (must tidy!), meet a friend for cofee and hunt doen a book at the library (wish me luck with that).

this is how exciting my life is. The whole finishing my degree thing doesn't make one jot of difference to the day to day hundrum nature of my life. I quite like it atm, but it feels liek limbo at the same time. I know that this part of my life is going to be finishing in just a few weeks and I'm not sure how I feel about that. But for now, on with the day (honest, I'm awake now).

My dissertation is done. It's in the shop being bound. I collect it at twelve and hand it in and then I'm one step closer to being finished. There are only three things left to do in my degree, before they (the ones who know what they're talking about, apparently) declare that I am a professional. It makes my brain start to melt if I try and think about it. For today I'm focussing on the fact that I have my life back, for two whole days my time is my own. There isn't the pressing need to be doing work, now, quicker, faster, more of it, it should be done already, there's something else that needs finishing. Well, there's less of a need.
So today I am making lunch. Sunday lunch. On monday. It makes as much sense as anything else in my life and it should be fun. Nat's back, kat's back, andy's coming over. there will be chicken. salad. ice cream (not all at once). Hopefully it will be a lovely afternoon.
And hopefully this entry means I'm back (again). I will try. I will also be working four days a week and studying more than regular full time. But that's for wednesday, today is my day.

I'm about to do a load more work; extract some meaning from the pile of journal articles on my desk, and I have a plan for this evening as a reward. I plan an evening of indulgence. A bubble bath whilst the heating's on, then making a late tea of homemade thai curry (hopefully it will taste like thai curry, even something close would be impressive for a first go). After that I imagine it will be about 9o'clock so I can put a video in for CSI in case I want to watch it another day and finish up some more work before bed (which shouldn't be late because I've had trouble dragging myself out of bed for the past couple of days and lie-ins where I go back to sleep give me *weird* dreams. Very disconcerting.)

Today has been strawberries, ginger-lemon tea, mist shining bright and breaking into sunshine, dancing to the radio and smiling at my feet wearing new shoes in the park. Apart from the lazy, fuzzy headed beginning it's a good day and hopefully my plan means it'll be a good evening too. I'm looking forward to it enough.